It’s been two months since I finished my last book. Two months in which I went through the usual ups and downs, the weird paranoid panic that I may never write again. That maybe this time the magic won’t come back and I’ll never finish another book.
You would think after writing forty six novels I’d be over that paranoia, but I’m not. I mean, it’s a little less vibrant of a worry inside of me, but the worry is still there. It still sneaks in a few weeks into the lull between books. The sly little whisper that says, “That was the last one. It was all fluke, a onetime deal and now that magic is gone.” Of course now that I’m a mature woman I can tell that little voice to fuck off, that of course I’ll write the next story, but it just laughs, a little knowingly, a lot mean. Like it knows something I don’t, that it knows I’ve only been lucky this far.
This time the Imposter Syndrome has more ammo, new and shiny ammo that it can lob at me like a wet blanket grenade, effectively smothering the joy I feel when I finish a new story. It’s very happy with this new weapon, and turns it on me quite effectively mere days after I write “The End”. This time it says, “Yeah, you might write again, but will you be able to write the next book in the series? Will you be able to finish THIS story? This series that you somehow know is going to be your life’s work? That this is the story you were meant to tell from the very first moment you put ink to paper at seven?”
It’s an evil bastard, this Imposter Syndrome, and it takes up residence in the heart of everyone at some point in their life. It is especially fond of kicking you right at the height of your triumph, snatching away those golden moments. It revels and grows within our own self-doubt. And I’ve learned it never goes away, no matter how confident you may become, no matter how successful and skilled you might be.
But it can be caged. It can be silenced and pushed aside to sulk in the corner of your mind.
How you ask?
By pushing through, by starting that next book, that next project, by reminding yourself that it thrives on lies. That it doesn’t know you and that you’re not going to fail, because you’re not done yet. You’re just getting better from here.
How do I know this?
Because I just started DownCast Angel, Book 5 of my ShadowGate Series. The one it said I would never start.
It lies.
I don’t.
Keep writing, keep dreaming, and cage that little bastard.
2020 is starting off WRITE! Pardon the corny pun, I really
couldn’t help myself. Besides, as corny as it is, that’s how it feels for me. I
was writing as the year clicked over because I WANTED to start this year ‘Write’.
I wanted to begin this year putting my writing first. I’ve spent so many years
putting everything else first, work, relationships, STRESS. For so long I’ve
kept this part of me in a small Tupperware in the back of my ‘Life Fridge’,
pulling it out when I had a free moment. Most of my writing has been done on
lunch breaks, or worse in those few short minutes before bed when the world and
my own self are quiet enough to think. For so many years I was conditioned to
treat it like a hobby, and nothing is inherently wrong with that, EXCEPT, for
me writing is EVERYTHING. When I can’t write I feel like I’m suffocating yet
most of my life I’ve written in guilty snatches of time. It wasn’t always that
way, at the beginning of my writing journey, the 15 year old me who’d scratched
out her first novel in a bright yellow binder was SO certain writing was going
to be her world. It consumed every free moment and I KNEW I was going to be a
writing and live this awesome life creating and bringing my imagination into
reality. Then life happened. Or rather my mother and I got my first real hard
look at how mental illness can destroy every life it touches. She burned everything,
my first two books, all my poetry, every idea I had ever come up with. She
BURNED everything. I don’t say this figuratively, I mean LITERALLY. And worst
of all, she made ME do it. I had to be the one to put everything, that first
precious novel into the fire and set a match to it. It HURT so bad. A part of me
died a little. Sounds very melodramatic to say, but it was a first death, the
death of my innocence and childhood and within months of that I lost my
parents. I was seventeen. For a long time after that my writing was pushed back
into a corner, oh I still wrote, like I said, I can’t breathe unless I’m
writing, but it lost its place in my life as I tried to rebuild. Over the next
few years it came back and I wrote another novel, the first since the BURNING
TIMES (as I will forever refer to that literary conflagration). I wrote it in
eleven months only on lunch breaks and little stolen moments because my husband
(Yes I married VERY young, only a few months after turning 18) felt it was a
waste of time and I should be focused on him and the ‘Real’ world. But, I wrote
it and I published it my first time out. And that small success became a
painful wedge between us. Instead of pushing me to pursue a career and market
and make something of this amazing achievement, he became angry and resentful.
I wonder how much worse it would have been had I made a lot of money with that
first one?
Life continued to intrude after that, coming in the guise of
a divorce by twenty two and a full on battle with Bi-Polar that I’ve finally
settled in a comfortable treaty. It won’t win, but it won’t go away either.
More LIFE, more things pushing to the front and I kept pushing my writing back.
I still wrote, I still created worlds but I lost hope that it would be my
future and my calling. So MANY things happened and in the center of the WORST
of it, I rediscovered my writing. And now, I’m forty (Loving it by the way!)
and I’m taking control. I’m finally putting my writing first, because I’m old
enough to know I can. I’m the one in control of my life, the good, the bad and
if I want something I need to be the one to make it happen.
So, with that said I’m starting 2020 WRITE and it’s been
going GREAT! So much so that I finished the book I was working on, Angel Child,
which is the 3rd book of the ShadowGate Series. I wrapped that baby
up on January 11, 2020 and now I’m working to find my next book love affair.
Usually takes me about 3 months to find ‘The One’ so we’ll see. Possibly book 4
of the series, Sanctuary, or a story I started in 2016 that I never finished (I’ve
got lots of started stories waiting to be finished). Whichever book is waiting
for me, it’s going to be great, because this year it’s ALL about writing!
Also
known as the Dread Lords of the Shadows, the Watchers, the Lords of Outer
Space, the Mighty Ones. These ageless, timeless, immortal beings are the direct
conduit of the Source. They are all powerful servants of the Divine, tasked to
watch over the Realms. They have been spoken of in ancient myths and religions
since the dawn of time. In the Hebrew Bible they are known as the Elohim, the
sons of God. “They were the mighty ones of Eternity, the people of Shem.” – (Genesis
6:4 & 6:22). They are the direct conduits to the Source and they oversee
the entirety of the Universe. They are almost all powerful and guard the
portals to other realms while enforcing the Tennents.
Rarely
do they concern themselves with the fate of man, though throughout history one
or more have chosen to walk the earth in human skin. In mortal form they appear
as young and beautiful men and women in their early 20’s. Elohim have no known
beginning or end. They do not age and can only be killed by the Source. When an
Elohim dies their energy returns to the Source. Not gone, but no longer their
own individual being.
They
can be bound and turned mortal by the Spiral Spell. The spell leaves a spiral
scar over the heart. Or they can be Caged, but only if all the Elohim work
together to Cage one of their own. Their blood is like molten gold – like the
gods in ancient Greek mythology
Elohim have no single leader but work as a group, though they do at times acquiesce to a specific leader, like they did to Ezrael.
There are
9 levels of Heavenly hosts. The Choirs in descending order:
The 1st
and highest order of Angels is the Seraphim. Angel of love, of Light and of
Fire, there is only one, the very first of all Angels, Talis, the Morning Star.
The 2nd
Choir are the Cherubim, Guardians of the Fixed Stars, Keepers of the Celestial
Records, Bestowers of Knowledge. Before the Fall Lucifer was the highest of the
order.
The 3rd
Choir are the Thrones. They represent God’s Justice to humanity. They are led
by Vision, who is 2nd in command over all of Heaven.
The 4th
Choir Dominions, regulate the angelic duties, they are led by the angel Hasmal.
5th Choir
Virtues. These divine beings work the miracles on Earth. They are the bestowers
of Grace and Valor. They work closely with the Guardians.
The 6th
Choir of angels are the Powers. A warrior class of angels, also known as Dark
Guardians, they are not DownCast but are unclean after millennia of bloodshed
and war and are unable to enter the Citadel. They remain in the Verge fighting
the Endless War. According to St. Paul they are evil and not of the Light. That
they are no better than the Shade. He is wrong, without him Earth would have
been lost long ago.
7th Choir
the Principalities, are the protectors of religion and they serve at the feet
of Metatron.
8th Choir
are the Archangels, who oversee the duties of the Guardians on Earth.
9th Choir
the Guardian Angels are earthbound angels who were sent to serve humanity and
protect them from the DownCast and Daemos.
All but two of the Choirs, the Powers who do battle in the Verge and the Guardians who serve on Earth, dwell in the Citadel.
The other day I was asked if I had always liked Angels. It’s a
valid question considering I’m working on book three in a series about mostly
angels, demons, heaven, God and questions of faith and duty. My response was
no, that I like Angels, but they weren’t something that has always appealed to
me. In fact the ShadowGate series didn’t come about because of angels, at least
not completely. Its creation in its current form can actually be attributed to
demons. But even that is not the full beginning. I guess I should, for
posterity, explain where this all started.
Once upon a time, in what feels like a lifetime ago, I was a 22 year old married woman. There was this song by Alan Jackson (When Somebody Loves you) that really struck me. It was all about true love, not just between a man and woman, but what happens when someone loves. Somehow it struck something inside of me. I wrote a story that showed the depth of love, being lost and then redeemed by that love. What came from that was a short story about an angel named Gideon who obeyed without question and was betrayed by another angel who was jealous of him. He was tricked into believing that he had sinned and he allowed himself to be drug into hell where the Devil tormented him, blinded him and worse, was the loss of God’s love. In that moment was born a fascination for angels. Not because of their power, but because of their blind faith. They were created without free will. Created with no choice but to love and obey a God who may or may not love them in return. I wrote ‘Fallen Angel’ in six days, a reflection of myself I wasn’t even fully aware of at that time. (Download a copy of Fallen Angel) Two months later I was facing separation from my husband that led to a divorce. Gideon and the plight of the ever obedient angel, the celestial slave was set aside.
Fast forward 10 years to 2011. I had an idea for a story called
Angel’s Gate. This was my original story idea:
“Church sheltering angels as they do their divine work on earth. Micah is an angel of death and treated like a lesser being by the humans in comparison to his angel companions who are angels of life and good. He begins to think humans are beyond help since he spends his time taking the lives of those in the worst parts of town. He sees murder, rape, starvation, drug over doses. All the worst in humans. He doesn’t see the good, feel the good and the darkness starts to invade him as well. Then he meets this child a young girl who is left in the care of the church. She does not treat him with fear, she does not know he is the angel of death, but thinks him a nice man. They talk and he sees there is innocence and good still in the world. Then he is given the vision of her death at the hands of a child molester/serial killer and instead of accepting this is her fate, he stands against her death and becomes her guardian as well. God is pleased that he has finally learned to love the humans, to care what happens to them, and not just do his job. But to be a part of the world with them.”
I started writing the original draft of Angel’s Gate in November 2011 for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The story came to life and in the end was NOTHING like the above idea, aside from that it was about angels serving here on earth. It was about blind obedience and sacrifice. I finished it in 30 days, finishing just at the end of November 30th. I was happy with it, but it was different from everything I had written before, there was a shadow to this story, a touch of grief. A reflection on my life at that time. I finished it, set it aside and thought no more of it. A few years later I toyed with the idea of writing a sequel to it, about one of the secondary characters, Samuel, a Guardian Angel. Nothing came of this and nothing came of the original inspiration either. Life got in the way and I forgot all about angels and demons had yet to sneak into my imagination. Instead I wrote about Zombies, the end of days & Armageddon in many forms. I wrote some intricate fantasies and Angel’s Gate was forgotten.
In 2016 my life as I knew it
came to an end. Everything I knew was stripped away and I went away for almost
an entire year. (It’s a long story and one day I’ll tell you all about it.)
During that year it was as if I had rediscovered my writing. I wrote two books,
neither about angels, both contemporary action stories, thrillers with lots of
gunfire. But they sparked my passion and love for writing. I was introduced to
the works and words of some amazing writers; JR Ward, Sherrilyn Kenyon, Gena
Showalter and many, MANY others. I read voraciously, wrote obsessively and met
a demon. His name was Dance. And he wasn’t evil. Suddenly I began to think of
what it was to be a demon, born of darkness, having no choice of fate or
destiny, branded evil for nothing more than being a demon. This demon Dance was
hunted like the rest of his kind and I was introduced to the Keepers of the
Faith. These religious zealots had made it their life’s mission to destroy all
demons. They knew nothing about demons, only that they were formed of darkness.
The more I learned of Dance’s
world, the more I discovered an entire universe filled with not only Demons but
angels, who looked down upon demons, because they were born of the darkness. I
met Errant, Dance’s grandfather and guardian. And through Errant I met the
first of all angels, Talis and Lucifer. From them I learned about heaven,
discovered the Gate and realized that all of this was the continuation of the
story I had written almost five years before.
Like one possessed I crafted
this world, but it wasn’t like I was the one creating, more that I was
discovering a world that had existed and was just waiting for me. The next
thing I knew I was writing the sequel to Angel’s Gate, Guardian Angel and
expanding a world into something I had never imagined. January 1, 2017 I began
Guardian Angel, in a place without access to my notes or original draft and Samuel
became Gideon. My heroine, Casey, became AG (for Angel’s Gate heroine, because
I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me) and the name stuck. This incarnation
was stronger and Casey no longer fit. I wrote the first draft of Guardian Angel
in 34 days. 136K words in a little over a month. I wrote as if I was
transcribing a story already written. I’ve never written a book with more ease.
It was all there. The world grew and what started with a 4K word short story in
2011 and was re-inspired by a Daemos teenager became the beginning of the
ShadowGate series.
When I returned home in
April 2017 I immediately pulled Angel’s Gate out of mothballs and rewrote it. It
took me a little over a year to do the complete rewrite. Now I am doing the
final polish as I work on the cover art and setting up a publication schedule
for it.
Guardian Angel is scheduled
to start the editing/drafting process early next year while I currently am
typing away like a fiend on book three Angel Child. I’m exciting to see what
happens as Angel Child has hit the halfway mark and is heading toward the last
leg of the first draft.
However, the thing I am
really REALLY excited about it book 4, Sanctuary. In this story I will finally
be tackling the original story idea for Angel’s Gate, about Micah, a Guardian
Angel here on earth that is beginning to lose his faith. I’m excited to hear
his story and VERY excited to share it with you.
So there you have it, the
story of how I came up with the ShadowGate series, where it all began. One day
I’ll share my ‘Bible’ with you, the book with all my notes, all my plots and
all my character profiles.
Literally had not moved since Mordecai had melted her brain with a kiss and vanished. She wasn’t really sure she could because she really couldn’t feel her feet. The only thing that she could feel was the residue of that kiss. Kiss… She’d been kissed by a freaking angel! Was she ever going to get her mind wrapped around that? But it wasn’t the fact that he was an angel that had her ears still ringing and her brain all fuzzy like she’d had too many glasses of really, REALLY good champagne. Her whole body was still tingling from the after affects and she was pretty damn sure if his kiss could be bottled she’d stay drunk all day.
She didn’t know how long she’d been standing outside the kitchen like she’d been shell shocked, but the grand father clock in the foyer started chiming and helped rouse her out of her daze. She looked around slowly at the shadows that had filled up the house and could do nothing but shake her head.
“Seriously?” She asked herself. “You act like you’ve never been kissed before.”
She hadn’t, not like that. She doubted anyone in the history of earth had been kissed like that. If they had there’d be a hell of a lot more Nephilim running around.
She was surprised she could walk straight as she finally walked into the kitchen. She still felt tipsy, could still feel his power coursing through her veins like electricity. She wondered if he felt the same, if she had affected him on the same profound level.
She opened the fridge and then just stood there staring at its contents without seeing. She hated that he was all she could think about, like she was some lovelorn teenager, mooning over her first kiss. She should have been more sophisticated than this. It WAS just a kiss.
“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that sister.” She muttered under her breath as she finally reached into the fridge and pulled out a fruit yogurt, deciding it probably wasn’t wise in her state of mind to use a stove. With her luck she’d burn down the house while day dreaming about Mordecai…” Angel’s Gate by L. Becker
In Chapter Thirteen Mordecai has finally come to the conclusion that he might not EVER be going back to the Verge, back to the war where he belongs. A part of him is ok with this. After all, on Earth there is AG and he’s drawn to her in a way he doesn’t quite understand. But an angel needs a purpose. He NEEDS to be of service to his God, so that means Gideon has been assigned to take him on a ride along of his duties as a Guardian Angel.
Neither angel is happy about this….
Mordecai doesn’t understand what it is to have to submit to human free will, even if the consequences are not always in the best interest of the humans that make them. And Gideon is not sure how he will ever make this angel understand what it takes to be a Guardian.
“…It was not as he had expected. It was not just wiping tears and holding hands. It was not just protecting humans from their humanity. It was more. It was the joyful tears of a new life, the tears of losing a charge that you had ushered throughout their entire life. It was the anger at decisions they made against advice and urging. It was watching them fall or fly, win or fail. It was knowing when you stood over their broken and bloody bodies that it was not your duty to heal them though the power rested in your hands. The restraint of self, the withholding of power and Light, when all you wanted to do was help, it was the tragedy of being bound by the Tennents, bound by duty that broke your heart.
He spent a day walking beside the Guardian and realized there were other battlefields than the Verge, other weapons than swords and other enemies besides the Forgotten. There were Daemos and Shade, Sin Eater and DownCast, but he learned very quickly that the most deadly enemies were the humans themselves. Their depressions, their doubts, their fears and pain they inflicted on those around them. He watched the Guardian and wondered how he had not Fallen, how he still could retain such Light. He also could not understand how he did not fight harder for those that were his, how he did not make them behave and choose a path that would lead to their ultimate happiness. He could not understand why he did not force them to walk the Path back to the Source. Was it not his duty to make sure they learned what they should in this life? There was so much he realized he did not understand about what it meant to be a Guardian….” Angel’s Gate by L Becker
So far we’ve come to understand that angels are nice and sometimes cuddly. That angels like Gideon watch over us with compassion and mercy, that they are gifted with infinite mercy and patience. Well, not ALL angels are like Gideon. There are those like Mordecai who can be downright….snotty.
We aren’t the only ones learning this, AG is quickly leanring the angel she rescued is not the cute and cuddly “tame” variety she’s been used to. He’s a little more prickly than all that!
“…’With that attitude I don’t know how you’re going to make a good guardian angel. You’re so…ugh.” AG said, this angel could be very frustrating, she decided.
He looked away from her, ignoring her – which made her grind her teeth – and looked at Gideon who stood, arms crossed over his chest, face sober, his sky blue eyes showing he was also irritated with the conversation. “What do you think to teach me, Guardian?”
“Compassion. Mercy.”
“Compassion and mercy. Useless things beyond the Gate. I suppose you will wish to make me more human.”
Gideon’s jaw ticked and AG had to admire how he didn’t just punch the other angel in the mouth…” Angel’s Gate by L Becker
I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I assure you I have valid reasons, like….life and stuff. But then don’t we all. Still, I’ve neglected this tale and it’s time I got back to the most important thing: Telling you what happens next!
That being said, Chapter Eleven is finally in the bag and I can say it was a good one. An unexpected run in with her father confirms AG’s darkest fears that there is no escaping this reality that has become her own. She might night be able to escape, but she’s ready to make some changes and get some control:
“….AG didn’t wake up a new woman. she didn’t wake up changed in any way, but she did wake up resolved. She was over being a victim, over letting everyone have a say over her life without consulting her. They were herding her into a Role she wasn’t sure she wanted to accept.
Ignorance was to blame and she took full responsibility, She’d done nothing but react since the morning she’d learned of her mother’s death. She’d been so consumed by guilt and grief, so overwhelmed by all that was happening she’d given up her power, her control on her life. Right now she might have been trapped and unable to leave, but that would not last. There was always a way out, always a way.
If knowledge was power it was time she got some….” – Angel’s Gate Chapter 11
I think we can all remember a moment when we’ve faced life and said, I’ve had enough, this was AG’s moment and I’m excited to see what she does about it.
Well, until next time (Hopefully a much sooner next time!) I’m off!
Chapter ten is finally in the bag! It was a little bit of a struggle, mainly because AG was done with it all. An encounter with her father sends her running back to her old life. She turned to spells once cast by her mother to block her from angelic sight and planned to run back to California to leave everything behind. While writing this I wasn’t sure how I was going to convince her to come back home. I’m still not sure. This chapter ended with her heading out of town with a bag packed and no intention of coming back.
“AG was so much calmer than she should have been given the circumstances. Maybe she was calm because she didn’t really believe it would work. She remained calm as she laid out the items her mother had listed once long ago in her diary. Items Anna had once used to bind herself from angelic sight. She was still calm as she picked up the knife and recited the words. It wasn’t until she had scored her palm – as directed – that she began to have some doubts. Not that it wouldn’t work, but that it would. If it worked…The results would be all those she wanted but if it worked….If it worked it was another nail in the coffin of proof that she really wished would stop piling up.
Still…her blade didn’t hesitate and her voice didn’t falter as she read out the words Anna had once spoken.
“Ceanglaionn cumhacht mo fhuil dom o radharc aingeal. Le fuil ta me ag sileadh, bac o neamh, dofheicthe do Dhia agus a aingeal. Fola agus anail sealaithe o radharc.”
Each word held weight, each one held a meaning she didn’t understand, but one she could feel deep inside. She could feel them, feel the spell, like a whisper over the skin. She could feel it swirl through the room, invisible and silent and she knew the moment it took hold. She knew though there was not clap of thunder, no dramatic magical effect. She just…knew.
This time when she left home she didn’t hitchhike….” Angel’s Gate by L Becker.
Well, I’m off to start chapter eleven. Wish me luck that I convince AG not to go!
